OCD week- Kail's story

I was first diagnosed with OCD in 2013 when I was 14 years old. At the time I was a freshman at a boarding high school. No longer living at home, I initially decided to keep my diagnosis a secret from my parents. However, by the time i was a junior in high school my OCD was incapacitating and took up almost every minute of every day. After being sent home on a medical leave of absence, I was forced to include my parents in the conversation and to accept help. The reason I initially didn’t want to tell my parents was because I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed by my disability. It has taken years, but I now embrace my OCD and recognise both the challenges and strengths it has given me. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that i am “thankful” for my OCD but i do appreciate all of the friendships and connections it has given me and the ways it has helped me to grow as a person. Despite being first diagnosed in 2013, I experienced both obsessions and compulsions beginning at the age of 5 or 6. When I was little I would obsess over whether or not the door was locked, if there were “bad guys” outside in the bushes, if bloody mary would emerge in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth, or if my parents would get sick and die if my room wasn’t perfectly in order. I was terrified of everything as a child and would often lay awake at night waiting till the numbers on the clock added to the perfect numbers or making sure I was laying in the “right” position. Today I recognised all of this as OCD, at the time I thought I was just crazy. Starting in high school my OCD started to centre around themes of cleanliness and order of perfectionism. Everything in my room had a place. I would spend hours every day rearranging my room and putting everything in its home. I also had a lot of existential OCD fears and would often spend hours contemplating the meaning of life and of my existence. I first received intensive OCD treatment in 2018 after my freshman year of college when i attended an IOP program at the gateway institute in california. I saw a huge reduction in symptoms and found much relief in day to day activities. I started showering once a day instead of four times a day and my hands stopped bleeding from the constant over washing. The next two years passed swimmingly and while OCD still affected my life it did not control me. Finally felt free. Thanks to exposure response prevention therapy (ERP) I had gained my life back. That said, in may of 2019, one of my worst fears came true. Someone broke into my apartment and left me numerous notes telling me what a terrible person I was. My OCD, now coupled with PTSD, came back full force. I began showering four times a day, washing hands until they bled, cleaning my room with disinfectant wipes daily, checking the locks incessantly and constantly rearranging my room until it was perfect for fear not doing so would mean someone would break in again. In january of 2020, i entered into a residential treatment program at rogers behavioral health in oconomowoc, wisconsin. It took 6 months and much more work but in june 2020 I finally graduated from roger’s program and returned home to my family and my beloved dog, plume. After a tumultuous summer, in august i reentered residential treatment at alsana in monterey, california for an eating disorder. I have orthorexia, which impacted my quality of life for roughly 8 years. I am now out of treatment and living a recovered lifestyle; this doesn’t mean i still don’t struggle with OCD thoughts, depression, PTSD, and eating disorder thoughts, but it means i am committed to recovery. I am once more living alone with my dog, and attending graduate school full time. I am so beyond happy with my life and can’t believe the progress I have made. At many points throughout my journey I did not want to live, I just wanted an escape. Now I am so thankful to be alive. To anyone out there who is struggling with suicidal ideation, or depression or mental health issues of any kind know that there’s a way not out, but through. You won’t be miserable forever. My life is far from perfect, but i am finally living a life worth living. Thank you to all the individuals who have touched me and helped me along the way.